Still Not Ready to Explain Just Yet
Last night I decided to soothe My Hero's jangled overworked nerves with a little old-fashioned pampering. I made up signs saying things like "Erotic Massage This Way ---->" and "Come On In, Big Boy" et cet and planned to present myself like some kind of delicious ripe massaging fruit in our A/C-cooled bedroom.
However, he realized he had to work late due to a forgotten commitment, so I sadly took all the signs down and pooted around on the internet for a while. But then he came home not fifteen minutes after that - turned out the forgotten commitment had been forgotten all around, so there he was. And there I was, naked and eating peanut butter out of the jar with a fork. Which was of course not at all the tableau I had hoped for.
Yes, that's right. I was eating the PB with a fork. It has come to my attention that I have rather a lot more hangups than most people about eating it. I was tired of fun being poked at me over this, so in my defense I made a list of all my PB rules. And, um, the fun-pokers kind of have a point. Witness:
1. PB MUST be eaten with a fork. PB eaten off a spoon is repulsive and cause for vomiting.
2. PB MUST be creamy. Chunky is repulsive and cause for vomiting.
3. All-natural PB is best, but someone else needs to churn it, because when it starts to emulsify and it develops this PB-colored slurry on top, that is repulsive and cause for vomiting.
4. Knives or forks used in the consumption of PB need to be scrubbed off right away with a steel-bristled scrubber, NOT the sponge I use on other dishes. Because if some PB stuck to the sponge and smeared onto another dish....repulsive. Vomiting.
5. Speaking of which, there is nothing worse than the smell of wet PB, so I have to hold my breath while scrubbing the PB-covered implements so as not to, you know.
6. Any liquids drunk after consuming PB must be downed in one go, so as to avoid the dreaded and, yes, repulsive, PB-flavored backwash. PB MUST be followed by a glass of water, and prompt swishing with mouthwash, before brushing teeth. PB-flavored toothbrush is even worse than PB-flavored backwash, if you can believe that.
7. If significant other eats PB, there will be no love until the abovementioned steps have been followed. The worst thing of all is PB breath on someone else. The repulsion and vomitus are sadly real in this instance.
However, he realized he had to work late due to a forgotten commitment, so I sadly took all the signs down and pooted around on the internet for a while. But then he came home not fifteen minutes after that - turned out the forgotten commitment had been forgotten all around, so there he was. And there I was, naked and eating peanut butter out of the jar with a fork. Which was of course not at all the tableau I had hoped for.
Yes, that's right. I was eating the PB with a fork. It has come to my attention that I have rather a lot more hangups than most people about eating it. I was tired of fun being poked at me over this, so in my defense I made a list of all my PB rules. And, um, the fun-pokers kind of have a point. Witness:
1. PB MUST be eaten with a fork. PB eaten off a spoon is repulsive and cause for vomiting.
2. PB MUST be creamy. Chunky is repulsive and cause for vomiting.
3. All-natural PB is best, but someone else needs to churn it, because when it starts to emulsify and it develops this PB-colored slurry on top, that is repulsive and cause for vomiting.
4. Knives or forks used in the consumption of PB need to be scrubbed off right away with a steel-bristled scrubber, NOT the sponge I use on other dishes. Because if some PB stuck to the sponge and smeared onto another dish....repulsive. Vomiting.
5. Speaking of which, there is nothing worse than the smell of wet PB, so I have to hold my breath while scrubbing the PB-covered implements so as not to, you know.
6. Any liquids drunk after consuming PB must be downed in one go, so as to avoid the dreaded and, yes, repulsive, PB-flavored backwash. PB MUST be followed by a glass of water, and prompt swishing with mouthwash, before brushing teeth. PB-flavored toothbrush is even worse than PB-flavored backwash, if you can believe that.
7. If significant other eats PB, there will be no love until the abovementioned steps have been followed. The worst thing of all is PB breath on someone else. The repulsion and vomitus are sadly real in this instance.
posted by Bathtub Mary at 5:10 PM
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