Another Conversation.

"You have pretty big legs."

"Thanks. -Wait, you think I have pretty big legs?!"

"No, I think your big legs are pretty."

"Oh. You think I have big legs?!"

"No, YOU think you have big legs, and I think they're pretty, so I was just acknowledging your neurosis."

"I see. So, there's really no way for you to win, right?"

"Correct."

Boredom Can Be Edifying

There is, apparently, a subset of the internets that likes to look at toilets. And it doesn't seem to be in a fetishy sort of way - I'm not talking about photos of girls with giant tits licking out filthy toilet bowls, which is kind of understandable, if you ask me. No, they want to look at photos of the toilets themselves. Witness: World Toilet.

It's all under the guise of providing an informational website to explain the occasionally mystifying plumbing one can encounter when travelling, but the combination of the extreme glee expressed when a particularly interesting specimen is found, and the careful attention devoted to explaining the meanings of the terms used, such as "HOW TO CLEAN UP: After you do it, how to clean up your anus" and "HOW TO DISPOSAL: FLUSH BY WATER / FALL INTO A HOLE / ROLL DOWN SLOPE / LEAVE IT ALONE: Even if we look at the toilet, We can not know the way of final disposal. So this feature means how to go out of your sight" makes me think that there's something a little odd here. Well, the Japanese in general, I guess.

But oh wait! There's a links page! Where you can find Toilets of the World, Toilet Net, (specializing in photographs of the domestic toilet. Oh, and they also have a calendar), Toilet Nation ("whether you like it or not, toilets play a very large part in our lives") and for the men's room purist, there's Urinal Dot Net.

Full disclosure: I found this stuff by Image.Googling "toilet." I guess I need more work to do?

Encounter.

let me tell you about this woman who came into the store yesterday.

She comes in every now and again, and is a bit odd, not hugely odd like the woman who is always resplendent in dirty clothes, a rank smell, and a flawless manicure, who spends twenty minutes (not an exaggeration - at least twenty full minutes) walking slowly around, staring at things, then touching them, then putting them back and moving on to stare at something else. Or the guy in the Hell's Angels outfit who comes in once a week to touch the leather leashes for a few seconds, and then walks out. Or the woman (I think? not sure about this) who periodically comes in to ask the same questions over and over again, smiling creepily the whole time. Those people are profoundly strange. This woman is just a bit odd, with orange foundation applied uniformly all over her face, including the lips, an obvious short wig plopped awkwardly on her head, and huge sunglasses.

But yesterday she stood out. She walked around for a couple of minutes, then stood in front of me and stared.

.....can I help you?

Do you carry Wellness dog food?

Yes, it's right there (in front of you, you just stared at it for thirty seconds)

How has the recall of Wellness affected your business?

....it hasn't? Wellness wasn't recalled.

Yes it was. I'm a lawyer working on the case.

.......

Innova was recalled too, but you still carry it.

Uh. No it wasn't.

I'm a lawyer. I am gathering evidence for the case. What can you tell me about how the recall has affected your business?

IT HASN'T.

[gathers things, snakes out door] I'll be in touch. I'm a lawyer, I need evidence.

K, good luck with that!

An Observation

Whiskey is the sweet, sweet golden elixir by which housework is made nominally more bearable. Or at least, what I think is housework; I may well wake up tomorrow to discover I've stacked the dishes in the bathtub and the dust bunnies crouching undisturbed in their corners. Time will tell!

In a Perfect World, I Would Turn This Paper in Tonight

Does God Exist?

[]Yes

[]No

[X]This is intellectual masturbation and I refuse on principle.

A Conversation.

"You know I try to be as content as possible, right? Always attempting to be satisfied with what I have rather than what I want to have?"

"Right."

"But sometimes, I feel a genuine lack. Kind of an amorphous free-floating sense of loss. And it's difficult to say whether it's because I am just a grasping, malcontent human, or if I am truly bereft of something."

"OK. So what you're trying to say is, you'd like to buy a strap-on."

Hey, Chicago. We need to talk.

I think I need to speak very sternly to you for a minute. You know I love you, right? We talked about this yesterday? But, baby, come on, you're breaking my heart here.

I mean, I know you're not perfect, OK? You've got all the crime and the traffic and the public projectile poopers. (Though we like to imagine them as being from Milwaukee. Ha. Ha.) It's at least partly because of and not despite your faults that I love you. It keeps you kind of spicy and interesting, you know? Each day is an adventure with you.

But I am telling you right now, baby, lover, sweetheart, if you don't stop with this FUCKING SNOW I will pack right up and move to Florida. And I haaaate Florida. So please, don't make me do that, OK? Just give me a little sun, sweetie. Just one single solitary ray, and all will be well.

There are some things I don't miss about California.

Most of them, actually.

When I first told people I was moving to Chicago, they acted very much as though the sky had fallen, taking out their childhood home and a few bunnies for good measure. "You can't go!" they said. "It SNOWS there!"

And so it does. Sometimes quite a bit. And occasionally, when it's, let's just say, April, and spring is just refusing to come out of its hole, and winter is still hanging out all ha ha, I gots the comfy chair and I ain't movin', and oh bring me some pretzels while you're up, then I feel a little bit nostalgic for a land where people get teary-eyed over a little rain.

When I first moved here the first order of business was to find a good winter coat (note: I moved here in May. I like to be prepared). I remember telling a friend of mine, a lifelong Midwesterner, that I had a coat for when it was just a little cold, like 50 degrees, but I needed something for when it got colder than that. She laughed. "Fifty? You don't need a coat when it's FIFTY!" I thought that was crazy talk at the time, but now five years later I wear that 50 degree coat all the way through winter, and the bulky coat hangs out in storage. When it actually gets to fifty I put on flip flops.

There are lots of reasons why I love Chicago. The weather is actually one of those reasons; few things are more gratifying than the first really warm day after a long winter. Everyone gets a little crazy, and rightfully so. It's something everyone should have a chance to experience - a temperate climate just does not deliver the same level of awesome. The snow is really cool before I get sick of it (usually by January). And annoying as it can be, there is something very real and concrete about Chicago. Scraping ice off your car window. Pee wafting through the air on a warm summer day. The shriek and grind of the El.

I was even pleasantly surprised to find that you could find produce in the city. Produce! Like, tomatoes and peaches all, and not even in cans! That caused me to reexamine some of the ideas I had long held regarding all of those flyover states.

There's definitely something to be said for being in the middle of it all.

This Needs to be Saved for Posterity

ok this is to that skank ass bitch thats deciding to leave stupid shit about me on jacksonz and hers myspace.... k look you over there callin me fat bitch im proud of my fat... you aint gunna make me mad... and you sayin dat me and him never went out and he felt sorry for me... well then why the fuck were we togther for 6 months. why did he quit drinking and shit jus to be wit me... why did he call me all day everyday just to tell me how much he loves me when we were together... i was there for him threw everything... if it wasnt for me he never would of quit drinking and he never would of got back in school... i was there to support him and love him threw everything... just because he made a mistake and got wit you manly lookin gorilla ass dont mean shit... see now that hes wit you he aint happy no more... but i will always be here for him to make him happy and love him threw thick and thin... we went threw so much shit together and that will never change... we lasted six months and it would of been more if he wasnt afraid that you were gunna eat his ass you fat ass gorilla... if you try to pull us apart it wont work because my family and his family kno me and him belong together and i herd that shit wit my own ears so back off bitch... i could make you break up wit him in a heart beat but im just choosing not to... cuz thats your guyses scary ass business... and the sad thing is you over there callin me fat... ha ha ha thats some funny shit bitch waht do you think your fuckin skinny or something do you think your beautiful cuz if so oyu got another thing comin... bitch if my dog looked like you i would shave his ass and make him walk backwards... you are one maly gorilla lokkin scary ass bitch... no lie... shit i could go see jackosn rite now if i wanted cuz he lives rite down the street from my grandma and im goin to see her in a couple of days so you better keep him close bitch cuz thats my man and that will never change... you say im sprung bitch i kno im sprung thats because i love him and i dont wantanything to happen to him... and it worries me that hes wit you cuz im afraid your gunna eat him... the only reason he still wit you is because he afraid to break up wit you ugly ass...so move shut up or run up okay cuz...it curtains bitch its curtains

....And now, the other side of the story:

Yo, check this out, this is my WIFEY! Fuck all that other shit. It's a WHITE BITCH stalking me. Whatever Y'all see on myspace on a WHITE BITCH page is bullshit. That's not even my ex, I was her friend, I felt sorry for her because she fat and no body gave her no attention. She is obsessed with me and she needs to move on. Come on now, why would I cheat and leave my wife for a fat ass white bitch? What the fuck is that about? I said I wanted a jumbo jack, not jack in the box and bitch you are the restaurant!

ASHLEY, MUTHER FUCKIN, ASHLEY, THE AVERAGE ALL AMERICAN FAT WHITE BITCH'S NAME. ALL WHITE PEOPLE NAMED ASHLEY IS FAT, WHITE, DIRTY, WITH FUCKING BLK CIRCLES AROUND THEY EYES. STOP STALKING ME, ITS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING, I WILL NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AGAIN. STOP CALLING ME, STOP EATING, WALK AWAY FROM THE PLATE, PLEASE. I GOT A WIFEY, RESPECT IT OR GET REJECTED.

ME AND MY WIFEY, BELIEVE THAT

So We've Got These Trashy Neighbors

The neighborhood that we bought in is what might be called "transitional," meaning, I guess, that black people still live here. But also, it means that there are people in the neighborhood who rent, and have rented for such a long time that they're not paying much at all, I imagine, because I don't know how else they could afford it. Witness:

*the Latin Kings down the street with the terrifying pit bull/mastiff mix that tries to chew through the fence when someone walks by. Because they are very, very smart, they sometimes have the dog in the yard as they leave the gate open and wander in and out

*Gangster Disciples across the street from them. They hang out on the street on their tiny little bikes, eyeballing the LKs. Nothing has come of it thus far, I suppose because they are selling different drugs?

But the one that really bugs me are the white-trash people directly across the alley. We knew we were in for it the first week we moved in, when we heard this huge SMASH and ran to the kitchen window to see what had happened. The guy wanted to wash his car, so he broke a pane of glass and tossed the hose through the window. Instead of...opening the garage door. We knew this is what happened because the garage lacks a roof.

Sometimes we get to hear them fighting. From the last big blowout we learned that he is mad because her adult son from another relationship is living with them but isn't paying rent because he doesn't have a job, other than smoking pot and Playstation. She then pointed out that he only makes $300 every other week and has a small dick. The argument moved inside after that.

The best part, though (and by that I mean the worst) is that they have a German Shepherd who lives outside. The dog is tied by a short rope to a stake on the concrete, with no shelter and no food, and of course it barks non-stop (wouldn't you?) I have called Animal Control and/or the cops about fifteen times since we moved here and nothing has changed. I imagine given the gang-banger pitbull problem a lonely dog is not high up on their list of priorities, though.

Lately she has been wandering to the back porch to stare sadly off into space a lot. Perhaps the romance has ended? Or the Playstation broke? I will be vigilant.

Perhaps I Am Being Unreasonable, But

I would like to think that if a certain favor is done for a certain unnamed person (or persons...? How mysterious I am!) and if other people are in need of a favor that is, in the measurement of favors, a much smaller and less painful favor, that certain people would feel as if it would behoove them to offer to help out other people, as it would be a wonderful relief to the other people and only a minor ass-pain to certain people.

But sadly, sometimes certain people are absorbed in what they are occupied with, such as, say, the consumption of pastry, and it doesn't occur to them to help out other people, even though other people would have done so if roles were reversed, and let's not even get into the fact that other people were awfully cold and miserable by the time they got home.

Surely, that's not unreasonable. Surely.

Empirical Evidence Suggests

Q. Can I eat a doughnut each day and not gain weight?
A. No.

Q. Can I get A's in classes that I am totally half-assing?
A. Yes, but: it would be a lot less stressful if you would just apply your whole ass for a change.

Q. Can I eat two desserts each day and not gain weight?
A. NO.

Q. How many days can I reasonably go without showering?
A. Two. Three if you don't mind a bit of sheen to your body. Four or more if you don't mind a LOT of personal space.

Q. OK, what if I eat two desserts a day (one of them a doughnut) and just go to the gym for an extra long time?
A. NO. NO. Why do you even ask, because we all know that there is nothing short of a face-first plunge into a bowl of poisoned pudding that would prevent you from acquiring that chocolate turtle fudge fried brownie double-dipped with nuts if you really want it. Remember: there is always a larger size of pant waiting for you.

So Apparently I am Back to Posting Other People's Blogs

It's hard to resist, man. Especially when they are of a gemlike quality, as this one is:


Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America beca use it is the Country of Choice??????Think about it!All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?

OK, I just have to interject that I am completely unsympathetic to this viewpoint. Last I checked, no one is making you learn Polish, or eat blintzes, or whatever the hell it is you're afraid of. You can go freely on, living the life you choose, as whitely as ever you please.

I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has tobe Season's Greetings.

Again interjecting. WHAT. I hear this crap from time to time, and I always seem to hear it from people who live in areas where Christianity is the norm, and no one has any problem saying "Merry Christmas!" to all and sundry; but dang if they didn't hear that up there somewheres people are getting ARRESTED for saying it, so be careful, they'll come for you next! Idiocy. I live in a liberal Northern city and no one has ever, ever taken me to task for saying Merry Christmas. Ever. Where are these Hannukah Nazis? And don't say "Berkeley", because I've lived there too, and I happen to know that city is essentially in a bubble anyway.

It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?

Oh, sigh. Yes, it's Christmas. And Hannukkah. And Ramadan. And some Hindu holiday whose name I can't remember (oh nos, soon the Indians will be wanting a word with me!) I don't understand this at all. It costs nothing to be inclusive, and to acknowledge that there are a multiplicity of faiths represented in our schools. It hurts no one. What's the problem?

We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.This says it all!This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper.

He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS,NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Personally I am not worried about offending this person. See how nice it is to be an American?Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complainingabout the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I was in Berkeley at the time, and I have no idea what this numbnut is talking about now. Seriously. Back this shit up with some citations in an MLA format, por favor? (THAT MEANS "PLEASE")

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone whois seeking a better life by coming to America . Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.

"This idea of America being a multicultural community" What idea? How about a FACT? Let me explain the distinction real quick: i ?de?a /a?'di?, a?'di?/ –noun1. a groundless supposition; fantasy.fact /fækt/–noun1. something that actually exists; reality; truth: Your fears have no basis in fact.Get it now? OK!

As Americans...... we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

True, but I am leery of anyone who makes statements about American culture and sovereignity in almost the same breath. It usually means something crappy is about to happen.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese,Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become partof our society, learn the language!

Oh, there it is! Again, please refer to above definitions of "fact" and "idea" for clarification. Because, fact: *we* speak all of the above languages. And many more. Because *we* are Americans, we come from all over the planet. Oh and BTW, please everyone calm down with this "learn the language" shit. English is hard. Witness the struggles this writer, likely a native speaker, had. First-generation immigrants struggle with it, then their kids pick it up naturally. And again, I have to wonder where the hell these people are living because I meet people I have to communicate with every single day who do not speak English fluently, or at all. And yet, I survive!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles.............founded this nation..... and this is clear ly documented.It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools.

Yes, good Christians like Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin. Mm hm.

If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world asyour new home.........because God is part of our culture.If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then youshould seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.If you have no desire to change, maybe you'd be happier with a move to another part of the planet.

Like North Korea. I understand they have this wonderful method of keeping their culture pure and unchanging. It's called a "near-fascist dictatorship." But whatever works, hey? Anyhow, I likehearing how people did things where they came from. It's interesting, learning about other cultures. Fun. Not scary, no no.

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining....... whining...... andgriping....... about our flag.......our pledge...... our national motto........or ourway of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom.......THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

Love it or leave it, right? I find it funny how some people can say in one breath "Well you gots the right to says what you gotta say here, that's what I likes about America," followed closely by, "But if I don't like what you gots to say, git out." Does anyone note a slight contradiction here?

It is Time for America to Speak up if you agree -- pass this along; if you don't agree -- delete it!AMENI figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please!

Ha, it worked! Anyway, I sincerely doubt that my objections would make it through the tin hat worn by the writer, so let me break it down in a way that would make sense to him:

LOLOLOLOLOLLLOLLL YOUR STUPID